marți, 29 august 2017

young but not careless

I am young, and I want to live in a society that is constantly growing, the one that can give me the things I deserve. I want to think about the amount of possibilities I have in the future, finding out the job I adore and raising my child proudly in a country that is constantly showing me it needs me as a citizen.
I’m still young, and I’m a force full of energy and ideas. I want to live my best years carelessly, being sure that my future is brilliant, going on adventure and discovering myself. I want to feel that being young is a priority, not a limitation. I want to seatle down when I feel the right moment is, in the place my mother lives. I don't do those things, I try to figure out how to live a better life. How did other states support its people in every life situation, from going to school and the moment you become a parent yourself, to the moment you’re old and ill and they offer you medicines and treatment. I don’t know how it feels when the state cares about your education, about becoming a respectable citizen in the society.
I’m too young to think where did I go wrong and why I’m worse than people of other countries! Why don’t I deserve to be offered a decent job after graduation!? I’m living in a country that has given up on its people. While other states face times of declining birth rates, and are currently making up diverse social policies, my country is screaming out loud in many ways"I don’t need you".
I’m at the age when I need support to start, a career, a family and a story. When you move to another country you feel that support and care. You find some social programs for you, people get interested in you as a newcomer, you are being treated politely in such a way that you are surprised of such basic actions and behavior. An indifferent attitude for your existence in your home country, makes you feel not good enough, a limited person, without perspectives. It kills your inner peace, your ambitions and hopes. It’s obvious you realize there’s another reality somewhere and no doubt you’re astonished. You agree having a lower job than your ambitions, but instead you feel a personality, you feel important and useful, your inner peace and silence are almost reestablished. A great feeling of partial accomplishment, cause the total one will come with the time when your ambitions will line up with your possibilities.


luni, 23 mai 2016

moving on


A few years ago I could surely have said that love is endless, and friendship is limitless. I could have been convinced that once you had met your person, your soulmate, your life partner, it is forever. And I couldn’t have imagined that two people who are living their lives together, with the same feelings, moments, decisions and goals could ever get apart. And here I don’t mean only love, I mean friendship too. How two persons who used to talk for hours about daily things, not getting run out of the subjects even if they spend days long in each other’s company, can one day stop even writing “hello”? I really tried to understand why the person you felt most comfortable with, the one who understands every words you said, every pain you felt and share every goal you set, and even not the question is why, but how can this happen! At what moment do you understand that he is not your person anymore, that your life path is the parallel one, not the straight one you shared?. I really tried to think about how people can get from five hours talk to deep and painful silence. It’s very hard to find that lonely moment you decided to stop, or the moment you were thinking about it. I don’t think that feelings can change, once your heart chose to love this person, and your brain approved, it can’t be wrong. You can’t say I don’t feel myself loving you anymore, because your heart can’t change her mind about one person. And still it remains unclear why people who were made for each other find themselves moving on, living happily with somebody else.

vineri, 30 octombrie 2015

sweaters time, darling!

It’s autumn, a little bit cold outside, the wind has stolen the power from the sun these days. Don’t know how to dress to fit the weather, what to put on when I go out early in the morning.  The leaves are getting brown, red and orange, didn’t even notice the change at once,  ‘cause I’m always hurrying somewhere, always thinking about global problems to solve, but the real beauty and  the real impressing changes are happening right next to me. Didn’t even walk through the park, to admire the view. Such a strange thing, we don’t notice the autumn passing by but when it’s gone we used to appreciate those intense colors, we didn’t even notice the shades they were painted in. It’s raining occasionally, but it keeps remaining as unpredictable and colorful as it always was. Want to come home late in the evening, after all my daily cares are over and just staying comfortably in my soft sofa, wearing an oversized sweater and holding a cup of hot chocolate in my hands, being covered with a fluffy blanket and watching another episode of “Grey’s Anatomy’’. Being antisocial in the evening, that's I can do the best!. After a summer when you really worked and didn’t even have a vacation, you are worth having such evenings every day, unless you’re bored having the same. So, here is the picture that comes in my mind in such weather. I’ve never liked autumn, such an unclear season! But I learned to accept the things as they are, because it’s beyond my power to change them. I learned to see beauty even in the things I didn’t like, here they are, my impressions about autumn! )))


joi, 10 septembrie 2015

***

Don’t like the people who are always complaining about their life, though I’ll be honest sometimes I do it myself. It’s so annoying to see people speaking about how to get over a situation. I know that all of us have daily cares and routine, difficulties that are hard to pass over, but that doesn’t mean that these are going to swallow our little inner world. Emotions and feelings don’t count anymore, these are not the priorities.We are so confused about facing daily cares and barriers, that’s why it becomes our main purpose day by day. Forgetting about ourselves, we get lost in monotonous days, full of negative energy and wrong goals. As we start doing that, we become wimp persons, not realizing it at the beginning, so we let all the little good things pass by. Life is consisting of little happy moments and each of it creates happy days and weeks, happy years and a life worth living for. As you see I’m getting very well with theory , but not so good with practice. )). Now days, opinions and rules from everywhere invaded our life, of course life has no instruction and the right to live it as you want belongs to you. I want to say that we need to be more separated from our problems and cares, constantly worrying causes unhappiness and agitation. In the middle of all the days and events , you are the most important thing. We forgot about planning the time for ourselves, keeping enough spirit for soul things, as we always are thinking about material ones and have no idea that they bring only superficial and temporary feeling of satisfaction, and after it’s getting empty again. Keeping a balance between all the things we do is the most important rule of a good, decent life, sounds easy but hard to put in practice.

miercuri, 1 iulie 2015

starting again

Why do people leave when they want so much to stay? Maybe they don’t want to fight anymore or don’t want to get hurt again.There comes a point where it all becomes too much. When we get too tired to fight anymore. So we give up. Even strong people have a moment of weakness and leave because it seems the less hurtles way to separate, hoping they will start again with someone else, after a little time of recovery. People make stupid decisions sometimes, but after a moment of silence and meditation it turns out to be the best thing they ever did. Leaving it’s not easy, it’s like a mental torture, you think a lot before taking that step. With tears on their faces they move on, forgetting about the scars they wear in their souls. It’s ok to be broken sometimes, it’s important not to live being broken the whole life, we need to get through all this pain, in order to understand the real value of love, and if it hurts it means you really loved, and if it doesn’t it was just a game.


Pentru ca meritam

Deseori ne dorim mai mult decit avem, nu pentru ca suntem lacomi dar pentru ca prezentul chiar nu ne satisface. Ii privim pe altii in timp ce au tot ce isi doresc si ne intrebam ce oare trebuie de indeplinit pentru asta. Am vrea sa avem o locuinta spatioasa, confortabila, proprie, un catel jucaus in ea, o munca placuta si bine platita, vacante de doua ori pe an si mai mult. Credem ca nu meritam toate astea, dar in realitate nu conteaza ce trecut avem, ce fapte am comis, oricum meritam sa fim fericite si acceptate asa cum suntem. Meritam sa avem o viata demna cu de toate in ea, cu siguranta ca fiecare din noi merita ce e mai bun si nu trebuie sa ne indoim de asta. E inevitabil acest gind, uneori si atit de incert. Acum sunt convinsa ca merit sa mi se intimple si mie lucruri bune, de ce sa nu merit…, nu sunt cea mai rea  si nici cea mai buna, sunt ca toti ceilalti, neimplinita inca.
 

joi, 16 aprilie 2015

adio si salut



Ma tem de sfirsituri si noi inceputuri, sa spun ‘’adio!’’ pentru ultima oara si ‘’buna!’’ pentru prima. Sfirsiturile sunt chinuitoare, sa te desparti de ceva ce ti-a fost drag si sa alungi gindurile ravasitoare care ti-amintesc  de fericire, sa te impaci cu gindul ca nu se va mai repeta  niciodata, pentru ca toate lucrurile sunt unice si oricit am incerca sa le facem sa semene unul cu altul, niciodata nu ne va reusi. Asta inseamna resemnare si durere, lacrimi si neliniste, sperante si pustietate. Cind vine vremea sa-mi iau ramas bun, odata cu acest cuvint spus parca o parte din mine moare fara vre-o sansa de a invia, pentru ca mi-e greu sa ma despart de lucruri si oameni cu care m-am simtit bine si cu care am fost cu adevarat fericita. Cred  ca sunt fricoasa si plictisitoare pentru ca ma tem de schimbari si lucruri absolut noi, ma tem sa ma atasez usor si sa nu ma pot ‘’desprinde’’ cind va veni timpul sa spun ‘’adio’’. Nimic nu e vesnic, totul incepe si se termina odata si odata, e o chestiune de timp si atit! Nu vreau sa se termine fericirea, deja imi este dor de ea nebuneste, nu vreau sa spun ca s-a terminat pentru ca chiar imi va fi foarte dor si ma voi gindi mereu la eventualele continuari, imi voi imagina de sute si mii de ori cum ar fi fost altfel, dar din nefericire totul se termina, si asta la fel. Cel mai important lucru cind lasi in urma ceva e sa te pregatesti moral inainte de a face acest pas, sa iti imaginezi cum ar fi fara, ce ai face singura, daca ai suferi sau daca ai fi fericita, astfel vei minimaliza rana care va fi cauzata. Poate oamenii tari de caracter isi iau ramas bun si nu se mai uita in urma niciodata, nu pentru ca nu le pasa dar pentru ca nu are rost si viata continua oricum. E greu sa le spui oamenilor ‘’salut’’ pentru prima oara, pentru ca stii ca neaparat intr-o zi le vei spune si ‘’ramas bun’’, poate sunt si careva exceptii, dar nu sunt adepta lor. :(

sâmbătă, 21 martie 2015


luni, 24 noiembrie 2014

Things that I hate

  •  
     
    that I can't be myself every time I want          
  •  that I have to do things that I don't like
  • ·         that I don't have a notebook 
    ·         that I'm rude with people I really love
    ·         that I'm lying to myself that I'm happy
    ·         that I know what's the feeling of the hate
    ·         my imagination, it's not BIG enough
    ·         that I can't express my thoughts
    ·         stupid people.. they make me feel and act stupid
    ·          my friends.. because I'm feeling alone without them :(
    ·          that I spend time with people I don't want to
    ·         a lot of things..
    ·         that .. I eat like a horse.
    ·          the memories.. actually I love them but in the same time - hate them!
    ·           that I can't take the criticism in a good way.. After critics I'm less confident and it takes a lot of time to get use with it
    ·          that I'm too emotionally
    ·         that I get attached too quickly to people and it does hurt sometimes
    ·         that I’m not sociable
    ·         that I live a boring and monotonous life
    ·         that I don’t have enough money



miercuri, 18 iunie 2014

...

Your self image

Is any of us pleased with himself?

I don’t think there is a woman who is absolutely pleased with her body. We always find a part of our body that isn’t enough slim or beautiful. We are women, we like everything to  be perfect and we can do it, but we always need something to be bad, just to complain to someone and to steal attention. We look irresistible when we go out and we don’t care how we look when we stay home the whole day. We seem keeping a diet but anyway we steal a biscuit from the table and it’s not our fault ‘cause if biscuits hadn’t been there we wouldn’t have given up in front of them. We don’t need to be slim for being adorable, but we need to have a haircut regularly, life is short to live it blonde!, to take care of our skin, to take off the make up at the end of the day, to paint the nails and to select the clothes carefully. They can make us look older, fatter, not serious, but we can make them work in the advantage of us. A dress could tell about you more, when you didn’t even open your month. What about a princess dress? I know, you’d rather wear a simple  black one. Well dressed and happy are very similar meaning for a girl. When she is happy she is well dressed for sure as without proper dress the happiness is not so happy. It takes a long time to create an image that will lead us to  success , don’t ask formulas for success. Success like haircut or ideal skirt is a very individual story. One of the main projects in a woman’s life is herself. An unhappy woman can’t have happy kids. As soon as she realizes what are the causes of her unhappiness and liquidate them the sooner she will be happy. We don’t have to wear fashionable clothes, to keep diets and to put a lot of make-up ‘cause we are beautiful anyway. The beauty is not only in proportions and shapes, it is in charisma. We are women and we want to be in fashion, and we beg for attention. We are adorable and irreplaceable  we know, but anyway we are so surprised to find out that, even a million times. We need to know that, because that’s true.                                                                                      







sadness

I just hate the days when I’m sad. When the previous evening I cried because of some trifles, or because of nothing, I just wanted to cry and I found a reason. Sometimes I need to get rid of some negative momenst or memories. I just needed to feel empty of problems and feelings that destroy me. When  next day morning my eyes look reddish and a bit inflated. I hate the moment when they ask me if everything is ok, I say yes, I  just had a bad dream. In fact everything is not fine, but I can’t say so. I never knew to share with someone my problems and my sadness, I always thought is just my business and I need to pass it over only by myself. I never wanted to invade someone with my stupid thoughts and my sadness. I know that everybody has his own cares and problems and sometimes we all are invaded by stupid and negative ideas and a deep sadness. There are only some stupid days like that. When I hear my favorite music and I don’t sing with the singer, something might have happened in my life. When I pass by the sweet department in the market and I don’t stop to buy anything  from there, that’s a sign of a bit of sadness. I order my brain to think positively but it has the nerve not to obey me. I’m such a fool, I can’t control myself! You know, I’m a pessimistic person by nature but I become optimistic from time to time, only if I’m real happy. I can say so now. I’m a happy person, I have some friends, a job, I have my family. I have never thought that I would say so because I used to think that happiness is so unreachable and so far from me. Now I feel the opposite, I feel like touching it and it feels so soft and light. I need those sad and monotonous days, they make me fresher and help me realize what a happy person I am. I just hate a bit of them, the moment when I have a tendency to intoxicate people around me with my deep and gray sadness. But I need those stupid days anyway.

luni, 14 aprilie 2014

another day is gone

Don’t want to show the power and the weakness, cause I’m not the type. Now I’m  emotionless,  I’ feel nothing or  everything in the same  time,  but  I need to say that I’ve been always  confused, scared a little. I never knew  what I wanted but I  imagined it many times. It  looks like  a big and bright circle, and  when I touch it is taken  away. You  know,  there  are  so many  dreams and plans  I think  about,  but they are so big and  fantastic that I can’t imagine  they’ll come true. I used to be strong but  sometimes it hurts so deep when  I can’t do anything, I’m  so weak and depressed. You  say that I’m great but I feel  it’s not true, you say I’m not alone but I see that no  one is around me and I feel they  go away, I’m  not stupid, they don’t need me. I can’t say what I think cause it is hurtfull and you don’t  deserve such words. I think a lot but I say none of it, yes, I have an opinion, some comments  but I don’t want to share them with anyone..You don’t like when I don’t do things properly, it’s because I can’t do them in another way, and if you don’t like it just understand me, please!. I need to be brave , ‘get out of these awfull feelings!’’, I know, may be I’m worth  living a good  life, aren’t I? I just want to live my life, but I need to make it more colorfull, cause it’s rather monotonous and boring. Pain won’t last forever, I know it makes us  a strong-willed person. I guess I’ll get the result soon! Don’t say about my weaknesses, I know everything, unfortunately it’s  quite difficult  to get over, but I promise I’ll try to make me a better person, a less  emotive one.

luni, 10 martie 2014

singuratate

singuratatea e o asasina a personalitatii,a fiintei umane si tot ce mai e viu in ea.Singur nu e atunci cind nu ai cu cine merge in club sau cu cine bea in weekend, singur e atunci cind nimeni nu te intreaba ''ce faci?'' pur si simplu, fara sa-i fie nevoie de ceva.Singur e atunci cind esti trist, pierdut si nimeni nu observa, atunci cind nimeni nu iti multumeste doar pentru ca existi.Singur inseamna o privire goala, care nu priveste nicaieri, o fire tacuta , mult prea plictisitoare.E sentimentul de care imi este cel mai mult frica, da,..
e anume sentimentul, care ataca interiorul si apoi exteriorul.Pe strada i-am intilnit, oameni pustii care nu au nimic si pe nimeni, carora nu le pasa unde merg, ce maninca, unde dorm.E asa de trist si singur incit nu au putere sa plinga dar au  ce pierde, pe ei insusi. Ei se pierd, se regasesc, se distrug, ei nu mai sunt oameni, ci fantome.Am vazut fantome mergind pe strada.
Singuratatea ramine necontrolata, ea nu ni se supune, ea musca din tine ca o fiara flaminda.
Nu mergeti mai departe pe linga un suflet trist, opriti-va si intrebati-l cum merg treburile, cum se simte, pur si simplu fara sa asteptati ceva dragut in schimb, chiar daca nu va intereseaza, cu siguranta ve-ti fi primul care o face.Traim intr-o lume in care nimeni de nimic nu-i pasa si asta inseamna singuratate si pustietate.

luni, 25 noiembrie 2013

I don't feel like breathing today

daca vrei sa ma iei, du-ma undeva departe, unde sa nu am nevoie de hrana, de dragoste si de timp.Daca vrei du-ma si lasa-ma acolo, unde e mai bine. Am sa exist usurel, pe neobservate, da...vreau acolo, undeva!

marți, 11 iunie 2013

How long is forever?



“From this day on I won’t choose between working for living and living for working. I will succeed in both”

marți, 4 iunie 2013

confusion...



Mă uit la pagina albă minute în şir, vreau să mă exprim, să redau ceva dar literele nu doresc să se aranjeze în cuvinte. În minte e o confuzie totală, rar întîlnită. Nici  nu ştiu ce simt, poate tristeţe, poate plictiseală, oboseală, nu ar exista un cuvînt care ar contopi aceste stupide sentimente. Zile rele, da?-nu, viaţă rea.  Ştii, parcă totul încetul cu încetul se prăbuşeşte, cerul peste mine, visele, fericirea.  Mă lovesc de tăcere şi nişte ochi goi, trişti, furioşi pe toată lumea.  Nu vreau de la nimeni nimic, vreau de la mine ceva, nu pot să mă schimb ca să fiu fericită, nu pot gîndi fericit.  Cheia unei vieţi fericite este o minte pozitivă. Duc lipsă de cheia fericirii, am pierdut-o. E timpul să fiu o fată mare şi fetele mari nu plîng.

duminică, 12 mai 2013

vise ce nu mor



Vreau sa nu fiu acum aici, sa nu scriu nimic, pentru ca vreau sa iau viata de la inceput, sa incep din nou de pe la vre-o 7 ani, atunci nu scriam, nu cîntam, nu ma apuca tristetea,  pentru ca atunci mă jucam,  nu aveam timp pentru plictiseala si tristete,  eu     jucam ,si asta cred ca o faceam  cel mai bine. Nu vreau să mă  gîndesc că peste 2 ani termin scoala, si nu ştiu unde să mă duc, ce să fac în viaţă. Cînd eram mică mă vedeam  cu totul şi  cu totul diferită,  o domnişoară  fără  griji, cu succese ,cu un prinţ alături, dar cel mai important fericită, cea mai fericită. Nu-i aşa simplu cum îmi părea odată, e complicat sau nu ştiu ce-i.  E ceva acolo ce mă ruinează,  mult mai puternic decăt mine. Nu e nimeni... sunt doar eu cu mine. Vreau să încep  din nou pentru că am ceva să corectez în mine, dacă aş fi crescut altfel cu siguranţă  aş fi fost altcineva,  cineva pe care vreau să-l văd în mine. Totul începe din copilărie, emoţii, calităţi, scopuri, minciuni, dezamăgiri. Şi pare a fi simplu să uiţi, „ce-a fost a trecut”, la urma urmei  cine n-a făcut prostii, cine n-a visat şi n-a iubit?.Mereu cîte-o strigare din trecut mă  vizitează, mi-aminteşte cît de bine a fost!...n-o să mai fie la fel, pentru că e irepetabil, şi ireversibil.

joi, 11 aprilie 2013

hard to breathe

De ce lucrurile se colorează în negru?,...şi tot mai înteţit se simte singurătatea?,de ce cuvintele nu mai contează?,...şi zi de zi văd lumea ca prin ceaţă. Nu mai am nevoie de ce am avut cîndva, nu mai ştiu să cheltui timpul cu folos, parcă i-am pierdut controlul. De ce devine tot mai trist? parcă fac totul ca de obicei, dar totuşi e altfel. Sunete, mesaje, vorbe  nu se mai aud, doar vibraţia tăcerii mă însoţeşte.
 O bomboană, ce e o bomboană? fiind copil spuneam "face ziua dulce, dulce!", astăzi, "e doar o bomboană!, atît". Culoare...?, nici vorbă!, e gri, precum a-şi zări siluete prin ceaţa densă. Lumină...?, nici atît!, "soarele nu mă vizitează demult". Fiecare zi e o pată, una care se extrage uşor, sau  alta care nu vrea să iasă deloc. Dimineaţa mă gîndesc "vreau să fie bine azi", nimic nu se schimbă, e stupidă iar, cu aceleaşi  probleme, aceiaşi nuanţă, aceiaşi tăcere ca întodeauna. De ce nu mai e nimic ca să mă salveze?... să-mi dea un şut zicăndu-mi "ridică-te de jos leneşo!, hai...înainte!". Doar eu îmi creez ziua, tot eu mi-o distrug, cel mai stupid e că a doua se întîmplă involuntar iar cel mai "nespupid" e că eu sunt vinovată oricum ar fi. Îmi dau seama că totul se termină, dar nu credeam că atît de repede, prieteni, glume împreună, distracţii şi energie. Vreau să cuprind din privire universul, dar îmi dau seama că sunt nimeni, nu am nimic, nu percep decît liniştea, şi umbra propriei persoane. De ce e greu să respir?...cînd te ajung din urmă acelaşi gînduri, acelaşi mereu.